THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END
PART III

Mid-July: I'd just gotten back from a one week stay at a state college, for means of there performing arts program for high school juniors, seniors, and incoming college freshman. I had fun, and I enjoyed being away from everyone and everything familiar, but I was anxious to get back so I could spend time with You Guess Who. It wasn't until a week later, almost 3 weeks of not seeing each other, that we hung out. We drove around, went to a park and played freezbie, and explored his mom's pond while marveling at all the fish and frogs. The next day we attempted fishing, but something was bothering him, so we went back to his dads place. This was our last time together as a couple.

That night, it seemed he was preoccupied with something, as if he were battling mental demons. One moment we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, the next he's in the chair with his arms crossed, and jaw set. I was concerned, but didn't know how to approach it, considering I hadn't a clue what was on his mind. So I said "want to play a quick game of quid pro quo," and he said "alright...what do you like about...US?" I proceeded to tell him, and I asked him the same question. Besides a sly joke, he never replied.

A week later, it was our four month mark. WOW. I'd rented the movie Taxi, since he'd always told me I should watch it since I'd never seen it, and I put on a dress (which, for me, is a rarity, and would suprise the hell out of him) and some make-up. Because I hadn't talked to him in a week, I decided to call him and ask him over, not noticing that he had called earlier. He answered the phone in somewhat of a hushed voice, as if something was straining him. He then proceeded to explain to me that he had fallen out of a two story window a few days before at a wild party, and was now laying in bed with ice on his back. I told him he should have called me, and he said "yeah, I should HAVE..." "Do you think you could make it over here today, or does it hurt to much?" I asked him. "Actually," he said to me, without hesitation, "I don't think we should go out anymore." At first I hadn't even noticed he'd said it, because even the thought of cutting it off had never accured to me. Then it hit me like a 15 car pile-up. I attempted to find oxygen, and managed to spit out an "OK" before choking down the unimaginable shock, fear, everything. He'd ended it.

He told me I was too good for him, and that I deserved something better, and should be able to do better, and that everything would work out fine, and we'd still be friends and hang out. When I finally found words, they were nearly inaudible, yet stable and in tact. The conversation made a quick end, and I went in my room and sat, still trying to sober up from the words he'd just said to me. Later that evenning, I sat in my dress and proceeded to watch Taxi...alone.

He and I didn't talk for weeks. I'd called him once, but he hadn't been there, and he'd called me back, but I hadn't been there. I still did not cry, however, because, in the words of Peter Pan "I never cry."

Now I'll start to go into more detail with parties, which I'd been going to all this time at a rate of about 2 or 3 times a month. Well, I hadn't for about 2 months, so when I started again, of course, He was there. It was awkward being together in the same room, because I still thought the world of him, yet he tried to not pay attention to me, and I knew it. However, at one particular party that he and I were at, I "celebrated" a little too harshly, but was none the wiser when I woke up on my friends couch (the one who'd hosted the party). The girls that were still there told me that they'd seen he and I making out, then we went outside. I called him a few days later, and he told me that it was all true, and that he was sorry, but he "celebrated" just as much as I did. I later came to find out that his car had gotten stuck in a ditch while he was trying to pull out from the girls house...with me in it. A tow truck came, and I was put back inside and fell to sleep. As to his true intensions? Well, one can only guess.

So, as you can imagine, I became quite confused at this point. A weight of guilt was crushing down on me, what with the incident at the party, seeing him more, talking to him more. It all seemed so surreal, yet so traggic. I loved going to someones house just to look at him if only for a second, yet at the same time it killed me to imagine what could have been, what should have been, which evintually led to me moping around my house, at times sulking into my bed, and filling up test papers with his name and a crude drawing of his face. I even got some pictures developed that were taken months ago, only to find Him welcoming me as I pulled them out of the packet.

At the parties/hang outs, we became closer and closer, yet those were the only moments a spent with him. It seemed any other moment wasn't worth living, and it was a sad realization that that moment would end. Sometimes I saw him and my face was alight with joy, other times I had to gaze away, least he see the tears filling up my vision. I had to do something, I had to talk to him, I had decided that it was either all or nothing...well, something along those lines. After one Saturday night that our lips met again, I called him on a breezy, autumn-weathered Sunday afternoon. I told him we had to talk, and he said he'd pick me up after school Monday. And, suprisingly, he did.

I told him how it'd been eating me up inside, and that he needed to tell me what he thought, and that I wanted immidiate closure. Some parts of the conversation i had to write down, least I break in a sentence, and just burst into tears. Either he felt for me, or he didn't, it was as simple as that.

What he was about to tell me was a bit unexpected, but accepted. Who'd have known a girl he'd graduated with, and that I'd known, was his ex that he'd wronged so many times, and that deserved another chance. Who'd have thought that she'd gone off to school in Chicago, and he was planning to go see her in a week? Who'd have known they hadn't gone out in over a year, and that she was already seeing someone else?

Certainly not me.