I'm finding this whole post-secondary educational ordeal rather drear, a waste of life, even. I need ome major motivation from somewhere other than high people in high places to get me through these years. Honestly, I don't think that's possible--I think it will have to be something I desire within, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go next year...but who knows. Maybe, if I can get my car over the summer, things would be a little more realistic with time management and work and such...but then again gas will at LEAST be $3 a gallon by then...I've got to open myself up more to those damned bus routes.

...I just want to live, what is so wrong with that? Years of hard work in highschool, and so much pressure and stress, only to take out some $8000 in loans for an education I could provide for myself on my own time. By the way, that loan money does not include the other $20,000 I managed to obtain for myself in financial aide...this just seems like a waste of time.

I feel stagnant, and way to close to my mother, even though she's an hour and a half away. What does she expect from me, what does she want? I could give a shit, but it is quite perplexing, she thinking I owe her my soul for "all she's done for me." Hell, anything she's ever done for me has already been cancelled out twice over for the things she has said and done to me. Fuck her. All I am to her is a plaque of recognition for her charitable contribution in this world. She can fool everyone with her plastic smiles and "humor" that she pulls out only when my friends happen to be around, but she sure as hell doesn't fool me. Oh, we have neighbors do we? Oh, you want me to come back inside so you can continue to hit me, and swear at me, and tell me you wish I were never born, among other things? Well fuck that, and fuck you. You aren't going to get any sympathy from me when you cry and tell me you think I hate you and you think I wish you were dead. I'm sick of telling you that's not true when it doesn't have any affect, I'm sick of the way you've treated my brother and I, and your selfrighteous attitude after he left, when you were crying for him to come back when we were both away. Most of all, I'm sick of you. You can have whatever you want, but get the hell out of my life.

Steve is the lucky one. He lives with dad, who's a real person, an honorable person. Dad would never ever say the things mum said to him, or demean his character, or hit him, or brag to other people about taking care of kids that he isn't the true father of. But he is, he is.