THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END
PART V

It's such an awkward feeling to realize that the only thing you still have with someone is memories. Slowly but surely, the sound of whispering hopes die down in your head, and there's of course something inside of you that dies. It's the hardest thing to accept, but after awhile the numbness subsides to a quiet serenity, for the fact that that something will always be alive within your memories.

I felt in my heart that that chapter in my life was completely at an end, but logically I was unsure that I would be strong enough to hold to that. I still hung out with my friends, but with seeing less of Him, and I guess I began to become more indepentent, as I had been when I moved out here, with the acception of still having tangible friends. Over the holidays, I had a great New Years, and a great couple weekends of patrying afterwards, but I could feel myself pulling away more and more from the group of friends that I'd been with so long, and reaching out for something more, but I wasn't sure what. I still hung out with them, but I knew, at some point, even that would even cease to be so.

It's not that they weren't amusing or interesting people, or that they were changing, it was more along the lines of myself changing. I was tired of the same old thing: I'd go hang out with my friends, they'd talk about random people and there flaws. and, most all of the time, they'd smoke. I didn't care that they did it, but I was beginning to wonder why I hung around that stuff, because usually I'd be the only one there who didn't do it.

One particular night, after waiting for 3 hours for someone to pick me up, I went to the usual place, hung out with the usual people, but didn't think the usual thoughts. Among the usual people, He was there, and when I came in He was calling someone about "20 inches of snow," which obviously ment they were planning to get cocaine. I'd never been around that, because I'd never had the desire to do so. It tore me up to watch him snort two lines, and I ebgan to think how sad it was that someone had to resort to killing brain cells to be happy, if only for a few short hours, and $20 later. Beforehand I knew that I was over with him, but he was still an option if we ever got close again. Now I knew that If I had ever had any question before, I knew now that I'd never fo back to him again.

As if it wasn't overwhelming enough to see him do this, one of my friends (known widely as an asshole), had the enginioug idea to put the coke in with the joint. By now I was completely disgusted, but unsure if everyone would do it. I went outside with them, they lit it up, and everyone but me took it. My heart sank- I was so dissapointed in my friends, but moreso in myself, that I tolerated it and let them do it. No, I didn't think that it would kill them, believe me, I'm not that naive. I turned from them then, looked up at the stars, and wondered "What if my dad was here right now? Would he be proud to call me his daughter? Would he approve of the people I was with?" I thought then of the look he'd given me that one faithful night. My heart sank; I already knew the answer.

My heart sank to watch two of my very close friends "bravely" hit the joint. Namely Logan, who hesitated, almost passed it, looked at it a bit longer, looked into the others eyes, and finally took the hit and recieved approving glances. Blinded by unshed tears, I went inside the house and sat, watching the demo for Sonic run off of the Sega Genesis. I knew this was the last time I'd see this room. I was never coming back here. Everyone had let me down, even myself.

It's funny how things work out. Having a stable position within a group doesn't simply ensure happiness, only standing still. I'd stood still long enough, and it was time for me to have a scene change. It's hard leaving the only thing you've known behind, but some cases call for that. Sometimes the only direction left is the right one. I don't think or hope I'm taking the right one, I KNOW I am.