I am pertified out of my fucking mind. Out. Of. My. Mind.


I don't even know if I'm even going to be able to participate in the movie project...I sent a director to my teacher (who is the casting director) about how I was concerned about finances, and I just called my film director, and he says he really doesn't know how things are going to be able to go, and that they may have to...drop me. I feel...disappointed. Ashamed. A loss of self-worth. Slightly alarmed. I feel very hurt right now. I do not want to drop this project; I know it would be good for me, but I've already invested towards Australia, and I need money desperately. He said he doesn't want to hinder my chances of other things, but this movie is what I've been looking towards--it's why I didn't apply for more financial aide. My brain is being wracked, and I feel like I'm choking right now trying to hold back gasping for air in front of everyone in this library. God, if you could please lift me up right now I'd be very appreciative. I need to win a lottey ticket or something, I need to win something. Nothing big, just a few thousand dollars...let me put it all out on paper:

I currently have approximately $2200 at my disposal.

With my next two paychecks, I should and up with som $2600.

Mum is going to make me pay the next two months rent, so that brings me to $2100.

Manditory travel insurance for Australia takes me down to $1700.

My round-trip plane ticket will put me at $750.

I need at least $700 to enter Australia alone. This leaves me with $50. Fifty dollars for a whole summer.

On top of that, my balance at school is -$1700 odd, I have a Stafford loan coming up in six months totally $2026, and if they expect me to join SAG that's another $1600. I don't know. I just don't know. I know, however, that I need to relay the message to my teacher that this project IS important to me. I'm panicing right now, and I just need to take some deep breaths and think these things through--what's mandetory, what can be covered, and so forth. May God be with me, I pray.

Trouble, Oh Trouble


My mum sucks. So does financial aide.


So, it has come to my recent attention that pretty soon, within the next month or so, I'm pretty much not going to have any cash. This will in no way stop me from fulfilling my dreams, as I'm sure you all know, but it may definantly hinder my near future, i.e. I might have to find some other job that will gaurentee me fast cash, which means no movie, which means...I may be fucked in a year or so. I could still change my plans. But let me tell you girls what's up:

My mum, though she still claims me as a dependant, has decided to no longer pay my rent (which would only be for two more months anyways, but that's about $500 I'll have to splurge). I think she should since I'm still in school, but whatever. Then I call up financial aide because my $2000 work-study scholarship isn't showing up on my statement. You were right, Kim--turns out the money I'm making is the money in the scholarship. My current balance (what I owe the university) is $1773. As of April 3rd, I have $1853.07 in my bank account. With what I'm going to be putting out towards the school and rent (thank the good Lord above for OFA), it looks like little Rene is going to have *maybe* $500 at the end of May. Now sure, that's enough to pay for my travel insurance.....

Something is fishy, ladies. Besides the part about my mother lying to me about not recieving child support for the past seven years, or the fact that every tax season she loans out three and four thousand dollars to my sisters, or the fact that she changed her address around so that she could still recieve checks from the government for Stevo when he went to live with dad.

...anywho, to make a long story short...I'm needing some major dough, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do that right now. I HAVE to have money for my SAG membership (which yes, I can make in payments, but that bitch is about $1600), and a little over $900 for my round-trip ticket to Australia by the end of June. I don't know how, but I'm going to have to approach my film director and talk some serious finance. I'm also going to have to call up OFA for some advice and clearance, as well as the school for when they're going to need the money, and BESIDE that issue I'm going to have a $2026 Stafford loan over my shoulders in 6 months. Personally, I'd like to have EVERYTHING paid off before I leave, but that stuff alone is looking to be some $4600 odd, and I'm going to need money on top of that handy for when we move down under! That means, roughly, I've got to find a way to make at LEAST $6000 in the next few months. I think I'm going to try and get a Temp in Bristol, and I'll try updating you guys in the next few days as to what results of this conflict, but boy is there some weight on my shoulders right now....

Crazy lumps all twisted up in a big mess.
Who can't contend with a contender
With rough stubs for hands, yeah
And even then as the spikes collided
In a cross-boned skeletal dance
Many men were alarmed in thinking
That perhaps these dreams were meant
For creating wonderous things,
In real time and on television screens
As the collision of fish twirl
From the ceiling, like it was OK
To not be a realist for a second.


Plain Religion
Holy is water,
Food, sleep, and the rest
Of our basic needs.

SO, ABOUT POETRY CLASS...

It started out pretty dull, but not that everyone is kind of getting into the system and writing better it has become pretty interesting. Tonight I actually followed the assignments, as she is very loose on subject and pretty much says we can do anything. I finally got around to writing a poem based on a paiting, and I must say what I beautiful painting it is, truly. I'm going to look up more on this artist--her name is Alice Dalton-Brown, and you wouldn't BELIEVE how real this stuff is! I hope one day I'm that good, but that's like wishing I were Beethoven and only knowing chopsticks on keyboard, hah! Anyhow, here is a link to the painting I am referring to in the poem; it is called Blue Comes Through:
http://www.movieposter.com/posters/archive/main/22/MPW-11137

Also, I did a character/fairy tail based stanza poem, and after reading it I must say it definantly ranks in the top 5 poems that I'm proud of. I mean, it might even get up to one simply because it's totally outside of myself and feels so genuinely...genuine! I'm really pleased with how it's come out, and I hope my teacher takes to it as well. It's based off of the musical Peter Pan, and it's basically a love letter from the adolescent Peter to his dear friend Wendy. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to set it really far ahead, to where she's been in the real world and how now gotten old, or to when she is taken off by pirates, so I left it in the dark so that it could be open interpretation. For me, I like the thought of it being long after she's left (though time goes much faster in Neverland, so he can't really tell), and after all of this time to think on it he's come to this conclusion and makes a promise to let her know of it, somehow, some way. Anyways, I should stop rambling and get to it. Here you go, let me know what you think! Haha, and just HOW are you going to do that? Oh well, maybe you can stalk me on the internet.


The Mighty Sea and Me

Where am I escaping to?
Can I spread out my arms, wide
And tumble face forward into
Your mighty blue abiss?
Would you allow me to?

Your soft coughs caress
The curtains of my abode,
And yet you do not assult them
With your salty drops of sweat.
I am thankful for your graciousness.

Allow me to extend my apology
For taking your "hello"s for granted,
And for those others
Who rape you so, from all angles;
Allow me to lie face down into your dark sheets,
And have you smother every bit of me.



From Peter with Love

Dear Wendy,

Just hear me out for a minute.
I've had some time to think,
and I realize what I said to you
was foolish. Of course I'll be Father,
and you can be even more than Mother.

You can be the Queen.

I didn't expect you to run off like that.
Where are you now? Perhaps off
with the indians, or kidnapped
by the pirates--who can say?
Maybe, even, you went back home.
That's what the Lost Boys say.

How could I have treated you that way?
Wendy, I promise, cross my heart
and put a needle in my eye
That one day I will come and avenge you,
wherever you are, and that we
can exchange thimbles just like before.

Maybe you'll never even get this...
But! If you do! Know that, well...
I really like you. Well, what I mean
to say is a really really like you...
OK, OK, but don't tell abybody...
I love you. - Peter