I am pertified out of my fucking mind. Out. Of. My. Mind.


I don't even know if I'm even going to be able to participate in the movie project...I sent a director to my teacher (who is the casting director) about how I was concerned about finances, and I just called my film director, and he says he really doesn't know how things are going to be able to go, and that they may have to...drop me. I feel...disappointed. Ashamed. A loss of self-worth. Slightly alarmed. I feel very hurt right now. I do not want to drop this project; I know it would be good for me, but I've already invested towards Australia, and I need money desperately. He said he doesn't want to hinder my chances of other things, but this movie is what I've been looking towards--it's why I didn't apply for more financial aide. My brain is being wracked, and I feel like I'm choking right now trying to hold back gasping for air in front of everyone in this library. God, if you could please lift me up right now I'd be very appreciative. I need to win a lottey ticket or something, I need to win something. Nothing big, just a few thousand dollars...let me put it all out on paper:

I currently have approximately $2200 at my disposal.

With my next two paychecks, I should and up with som $2600.

Mum is going to make me pay the next two months rent, so that brings me to $2100.

Manditory travel insurance for Australia takes me down to $1700.

My round-trip plane ticket will put me at $750.

I need at least $700 to enter Australia alone. This leaves me with $50. Fifty dollars for a whole summer.

On top of that, my balance at school is -$1700 odd, I have a Stafford loan coming up in six months totally $2026, and if they expect me to join SAG that's another $1600. I don't know. I just don't know. I know, however, that I need to relay the message to my teacher that this project IS important to me. I'm panicing right now, and I just need to take some deep breaths and think these things through--what's mandetory, what can be covered, and so forth. May God be with me, I pray.