AS IF THAT HADN'T BEEN SAID BEFORE

Earlier, I was browsing a bit, and decided to read the Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the End series....all this time, I felt that my writing had degraded from earlier periods, and I suppose I still believe that in some places...but I feel that, now having read it again, I wasn't so clear on the message I was trying to send. While at the time it was very close to my heart, now it seems I pointed out all of the trivial things, and emphasized the wrong points as to WHY it was the Beginning of the End. Perhaps I should explain further.

Frankly, I was becoming sick of the habitual weekly/nightly rituals that had developed around the lives of my friends and that which were seeping into myself. Too much of a good thing, maybe, but also, for myself, too much to have to deal with--constantly being around marijuana, among other drugs, did not seem to me the proper course of being drug free, rather, it made me either appear like I felt superior to my friends, which I certainly did not, or like a complete hypocrite. At barely 17 years old, it was especially scary to me that I had to watch my friends snort coke to have a decent night--it made me want to sob and run and scream all at once. I lost quite a bit of self-esteem for myself, then, just being there and watching this, so I really can't imagine how they feel/felt, whether it be powerful, cheap, cool, or whatever else.

I'm not going to pretend like the drugs did not contribute largely to my decisions to change my course of association and action. I've been looked down upon for this, and mostly excluded from primary social groups I would have earlier been accepted with open arms to. I'm also not going to pretend that that didn't effect my perception, or that it didn't hurt my feelings or burn me from the inside. All of this cannot and will not be denied, though it may be hard to admit.

Other than that, I was also getting tired of sitting around some 3 days a week at a particular friend's house nodding off as the guys played video games. This is fun, in the beginning, but after a few months it does tend to lean toward the lame side of things, especially when viewed initially as a party, which ruins your whole ideal of what a celebration of sorts really is, and makes you numb to when there actually IS something to celebrate for. I learned at this time that while it is good to value particularly unparelleled friendships, you do not have to show it by being around as much as possible. In fact, if you save your time for special occasions, friendships become more valuable, moments more memorable, and it becomes something to look forward to.

When I warned the only other girl that use to hang that she might not see me so often, she was slightly perplexed. I went on to ask her to please not tell the guys, because I knew it would be taken the wrong way, and told her of my plans to put a bit of distance between myself and the group for a while, and that I wasn't planning on coming back over for a long while. Sadly, it didn't quite work out that way, considering she was an item with Alex at the time, who's house we stayed at, and he immidiately threw me into the Snicker-at-and-hate pile.

What really, truthfully finalized my decision before the last paragraph, though, was Alex himself. I didn't mind that he was generally an asshole; I thought it was kind of funny sometimes, but on one particular night, after a weekend in which I'd confronted a pair of kids for using my twin brother for his medication, Alex turned his antics not at me, but towards my brother. I wouldn't have minded so much had he cracked a joke on me, as unnecessary as it may have been, and he already did have a few coined phrases he liked to use for me (i.e. "Are you Logan's brother?"). But the fact that he was making fun of my twin brother, to ME of all people, was revolting, especially because he appeared to get along well with my brother after school, and would talk to him as a friend, and not as a target. This so inraged me that I've not talked to him sinse. A lie was made up to unsure that it was not my decision to never come back to his house, but that he had denied me access from coming over any longer. Soon enough people I didn't even know started hating me. Oh well.

High school drama should be made into a sport.