MAKE MINE A PRICKLY SPINE

So, it appears Logan has gotten all the way to round three. God in Heaven, who would have imagined such a thing could happen? Certainly not I. Ah well, there's a reason for everything, I'm sure. In fact, everything seems to be working int he man's favour. Eh?

The stars are against me.

So, he has been charged to go to my favorite spot on Friday, January 28th, at 1:30 PM. He must arrive within 20 minutes (10 minutes pre or post) of the scheduled time. Hehe, I finally allowed him to reply back, and he has confided that he is a bit wary of what may happen, and scared to think that I may be spying on him from some distant bushes.

You know what sucks? I think I'm going to have to pay some money for this. My idea was to just meet there and talk, but now I'm thinking I'll have to put some big writing on my car window, because I don't think he'll have the wits enough to stop and get out. I think he may feel that all he needs to do is drive by the place and that's that.

Actually, I've devised a plan of my own.

I suppose if he's not smart enough to get out and look around, than he isn't really worth talking to, so let's just assume he gets out of his vehicle. I will post a sign (probably on my vehicle) Telling him it's a game of hide and seek, and to find the exact location in that area that I'm at (which is my favorite of favorite spots) he'll then have another 20 minutes (hey, I don't think he'll need all that, but just in case). I think I may be running low on time though, so I may just put myself out in the open.

I s'pose we'll hang out there for a little bit, and then I'll take him to China Buffet (as a reward, I gather), and we'll eat and carry on and blahblahblah.

Right now I'm really hoping he isn't looking at my blog. Where's the suspence in that?

Man, it's going to cost $10 to go to China Buffet, so I hope he bring some money so I don't have to pay everything. That sucks. I was hoping to spend my gift card on it, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I guess I'll go find it shortly...

To get kind of off the subject, his girlfriend lately has been acting like such a fucking bitch. And dude, she talks about him all. the. time. Mark my words, I don't mean in a good manner either. Actually, she's been quite snide to me recently as well, and I don't even talk to the kid anymore. I don't know...she use to be so great, but now...*sigh*

It's kind of happenning to my friend Katie as well. Apparently, she and Katie are best friends, and now Katie is doing all of this bad stuff. In fact, when Katie is around Lauren, she acts like she barely knows me! That's bullshit, and I'm going to talk to Katie very soon about that kind of stuff. If kind of feels like Katie is turning her back on me so that she can go out and get messed up. She can still go out and do that and still be my friend, but the fact that she's running away from me to do it is quite unreasonable and hurtful. Slightly repulsing as well, because at the same time I kind of feel like if she's going to be that way, maybe she should just run away from me.

Mind you, I don't confide this into anyone, because I am not one to gossip or talk about friend behind there backs, and until Katie herself has heard this from me personally, she will not hear it from anywhere else.

I am also curious as to what Lauren feels towards me. I've never done anything wrong directed towards her, but surely Logan has poisoned her mind beyond return, and 2 is more than 1. Actually, getting back to Katie, anytime the subject of the seperation of Logan and I comes up she seems to defend Lauren more than I, even when I told her the complete story, which started years ago, and I suppose she seems to think that I am in the werong. Therefore, Lauren surely has confided much to her, which I am growing ever more curious to know, but it's really...so confusing to me that Lauren has in a way turned Katie against me. Therein, 3 is more than 1.

I can't wait to leave all this drama.

I am quite...anxious and displeased right now, just from being so confused and frustrated. I'd love to believe the best of people, like I use to, but I know now that sometimes there's no going back to the brightness of the good old days, but you must look towards the brightness of a freelance future. I would love to be able to trust people again, to express my thought without having to worry about anyone understanding or not, and to just be accepted.

I think I've been looking, stumbling, actually, absently around for this acceptance, for someone to understand without having to understand, and to just poor my heart out to. It's so odd, and I'm quite confused, but I think there is a significance if Logan does win this game. I use to trust him so much, and I miss that trust, but it's been so long since I was able to trust someone so fully, I don't know that I can ever trust someone like that again. Right now, I'm now really sure if he knows how much I trusted him, or if he did indeed break that trust in more ways than I know he already did. That would hurt worse.

I think I just need someone to be there for me right now, and I don't mean romantic, and I don't mean sisterly, I mean someone who I can fall into and be soothed by, and find hope and strength and acceptance and so much much more than I can even think of right now.

I think these thoughts are in vein, and I'm not really sure how to go about realizing what they mean yet, but it's either all or nothing. Hell, I'm not even sure what we'll talk about when we see each other, how we'll act, what we'll do...I just, in the end, hope he's there.

For me.

Vodka

?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH PFFFFFT

Ello. Dude. I hung out with way too many gay guys last night. And I worked 12 hours today. I'm nuts, and I wish my hair was sticking out at all ends. That would be cool.

Gah, this sucks. Justin and I have to be in St Louis tomorrow by 12:30, and we don't even know when we're leaving. In fact, I don't even know if he knows where my house is. What could be MORE perfect?

Oh, I know, how about Logan has passed the first 2 rounds? Yea, that sounds great...*caugh, gahg* Oh, excuse me, I was just dying. Alright, so, you know what? I b'lieve he looked at my profile, and has now gotten access to my blog...
...
...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
*cough* Whew, frog in my throat. *loosens coller* Anywho, yea, so now he's going to be all inside my head, and that's a really fucked up thing, and I don't know that I'm comfortable with that. That's not cool, because I'm not entirely confident that this site will be kept just to him. I'm not saying he'll deliberately give it out, but what's say if a friend comes over and thinks it's something relative to The Mars Volta? Yikes, man. I hope that doesn't happen. I don't know that I care of him reading everything, just the whole thought of him finding it and looking without being permitted by me personally. It's kind of like respecting someone's personal limits. *ehem*

Then again, who am I to say? I've done it for quite some time now on Aaron's many blogs. But what can I say? His lyrical writings are beautiful, and can be interpreted in so many ways. Note, people, that I am ONLY talking about what he writes, and yes, I'm happy to say I've moved on.

By the way, hi Logan, and how are you enjoying your visit? You know, I wrote something in here directed specifically to you, but I never gave you my site link. I s'pose that a good things, but not you've got it, so maybe you'll find it floating about somewhere in April or it's surrounding months.

It would be so refreshing to know that I was talking to nothing right now.

DOUCHE, WHERE'S MY CAR?

(A famous quote of a...special...kid in my art class. Really quite amusing; he's a character)

So, I've been writing an incy bit lately. Which is good, yes, but I need to write things that will benefit me for schoooooling. I need scholarships, damn it! That's it...I've got to do something about this...time is becoming quite limited, and if I don't start getting my shit together this instant, things just aren't going to happen. DO I care? Yes...and no. THings are just really unclear for me right now, so I'm going to move right along...

Well well, it appears that the Big Bad Wolf (aka Logan) isn't quite ready for the story to be over. Of course, who could resist me? KIDDING. Anywho, it appears that he has finally come to the realization that he was indeed the biggest asshole on the face of the earth, and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. SO, now that he's grown up a wee bit, and knows that he's done so, (as I'd originally advised him to do, at which he took great offence) he wants to be....FRIENDS with me again, dunDUNDUUUNNNN!!!

Ok, you can stop screaming now. I've asked a few of my VERY VERY VERY close friends about it, and they say, basically "He sounds the same as he ever was [like a schitzo]; don't do it!" I find myself at this point in time very washy washy and complacint about the whole matter. I've loathed this young man for so long, and so righteously, and felt so comforted in that hatred. True, sometimes I've abandoned those feelings for awhile, but never have I come to terms with liking him again. If anything remotely close to a friend have I thought, it has been under terms of using him or ruining HIS mind, as he has mine. I'm just very confused by the matter, but I think I'll have a little fun with it.

How will I have fun? I am one who loves mind games (no, not in a cynical/sadist way, more of a hide and seek, match the cards way), so this I think will be amusing, I just hope he doesn't win. Don't worry though, I'm not going to give any slack in the line, so he'll have to be holding on for dear life. Alright, this is just a sketch, but these are the basic guidelines:

1) Go into the poetry forum I am a member of, and find the alias I go under (only 1 guess, and if he gets it wrong than that's the end of the game)

2) Take a quiz about me and get at least half correct (50% or more, and he moves on to the next round)

3) Go to my Favorite Spot (a secluded place to which he's been before, but he has to remember what place it was) at a selected date, at a selected time. (If he does not arrive within 10 round minutes of that time, then he just lost the game)

Keep in mind that all of this will remain in complete secrecy, save for 2 or 3 of my BEST friends. If he tells anyone about any of this at any point in time, the game is up, and he's lost his chance at any sort of approach or apology. And if he does? Well, he can enjoy a nice, breezy afternoon with me at my favorite spot. This, however, does not conclude if that will be the first of many meetings, which I highly doubt, but I know he wants to have again. He will have to prove himself before he ever gains my trust again.

Let the games begin...

THESE DAYS

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking these days
These days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do.

And all the times I've had...
...the chance to.

I stop my rambling
I don't do too much gambling these days
These days
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my way...

And I wonder if I'll see another...
...highway.

I had a lover
I don't think I'll risk another these days
These days
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing...
...so long.

Then I'd stop my dreaming
I don't do too much skeeming these days
These days
These days I sit on corner stores
And count the time the corner turns to ten
Please don't confront me with my failures
'Cause I have not forgotten them

WE MEET AGAIN

Yeah, so, umm...sorry for the mistreatment and absence of entry...I've actually been quite busy. And yes, I do genuinely feel bad about not writing so avidly as the beginning days. What can I say, there is life beyond internet, believe it or not. So, here's my chance to make up for the previous yet temperary haitus.

First and foremost, let me congradulate, well, me on finally getting a job, after over 2 years of applying here and there and surely bugging the hell out of people. I've finally a job as a cashier in a in a local grocery shop, and I will not go into specifics about how overwhelmingly confused I've been about all of these buttons and counting rules these few beginning days. This is my first and only day off, actually. Lucky you, ey?

Bits and peices of my family still owe me a couple hundred bucks, and aside from that I've finally earned up enough to send my housing prepayment to Columbia College, woot. Now all I need is about $3000 more...oh what to do. God I need a lot of money, and supposedly within the next few months. That isn't even including college, argh. I'm just really thankful that I at least have enough to send the housing application off- the rooms go really fast up there.

I did myself a really nice favor today: I made Me a mix titled "Chillin like Bob Dylan" it is very low-key, jam band, enviromental, indie-esque. It makes me happy; now I finally have something to listen to in Stevo's wheels (Stevo, i.e. twin bro). I think I'm going to make myself a lot and lot and lot of mixes, because basically all of my good music is on this computer--a computer that I'm only spending a few more months using, and then I'm packing up and getting the hell out of here.

I need a haircut.

My schedule's actually pretty cool this semester, and I am not one to use the word cool so loosely. Here is the lineup:

BLACK DAYS

1. US History: Piece of cake. It's a Freshman class (I wasn't here Freshman year), and the teacher is super easy. No questions, hands down, I'm getting an A
2. Drawing II: ...What more needs to be said?
3. Library Assistant: This is my fourth semester in the program, and I've sure learned a lot. This is one of the extremely few, if not only, things I'll miss about high school. The librarians are fucking. awsome.
4. Homeroom: ZzZzZzZzzzz...
5. Stats & Probability: A math class which I need in order to be accepted into any Missouri university, and to make up for a lacking half credit in Algebra II. Actually, I'm not going to college in Missouri, so it's worth shit to me. But hey, it probably looks good, and it's actually easy and interesting. A suprising thing for me to say.

GOLD DAYS

1. Student Worker: Heh, basically I sit in my favorite English teacher's class and do nothing, or go to the library and fool off. End.
2. AP World Lit & Comp: Actually, and most miraculously, I did so much extra credit last semester for this class, I got an A, which, if you know me, is pretty bizarre, especially being AP. I'm very fond of English and Literature, so I like this one. The teacher's groovy.
3. A+ Tutor: Once again, another plus for college, but once again, only for Missouri, so it's useless. I haven't gone yet, but I will start next week at a 1st-3rd grade center working with students. It should be pretty interesting.

And that's it. On Gold days I get out at 12, which is quite convenient for me, being that now it's apparent that I'm going to be a workaholic. Oh, did I mention work sucks? I mean, if I had a chair I wouldn't mind it so much, but to stand up for 6 hours is kind of...painful?

I had some other stuff to talk about, but I can't think of anything at the moment, so sorry. Oh, I know: There's a movie audition the 11th coming here, neato ey? Guess who's going to audition ; ) Uh huh. It's only an extra audition though, but whatever. The movie's titled Apocolypse and the Beauty Queen, anyone heard of it? Me neither, but it apparently has only one actor in it, from what I gathered off of IMDb. Hey, it's a start, and it's pretty exciting to me! hehehohohoooo...I can't wait to audition. I wonder if I'll get kicked out of the play...

Oh well.

Did I mention I'm in a play? Yes, it's called Godspell. It was at SMSU when I attended the PAI program, and it was damn good. HOWEVER, on a highschool level, and think it's going to be...well, I'll just say I think this Drama Director has to high of expectations on this group. He's a type-casting biast bastard anyways, so fuck'um.

That's that, sorry for the short paragraphs, but I'm quite tired and need my rest for the rest of my working week, AARRRGGHH. Alright, and hey, you take it easy, and I mean that.

Much love.