MOTHER OF OTHER

She cuts in me in unkindest of ways
Slashing me with 'er soviergnty
Smiling emptily at those she manipulates
I feel the tension that I can't escape

Uttering words nearly memorized
I rip out her heart; she, mine
No, everything IS not sublime
If only I could relay the message...

If only I could relay this message,
If only the truth could be seen
What she is is beyond others' limits
And the rest have a hand full of insanity

Can I disguise how much I dispise her guise?
Or would you have me bow before her thrown?
We are all pawns in her selfish game
She is empty, she is merciless, but no one knows.

...At least, that's how the story goes...

IT'S SHNOWING! TIME FOR THE INDIAN HOLOCAUST AGAIN

So, anyways...

School was dismissed early for Thanksgiving break...Thanksgiving is bullshit, I've come to decide. As a child in gradeschool, everyone knows this is the time of year when all of the classes in the same grade get together, make paper hats or feathered bandanas, and have a big feast. Supposedly, back in the day when we caucasian Europian outcasts invaded this "free land" for everyone and anyone to come and live (yeah, fuck anybody who already lives here), we had a big feast with the Indians celebrating our newfound friendship and brotherhood. Apparently, this little ordeal was an important enough landmark in history to JFK that he made it into a holiday in the 60s (wait a second, I think I know why he was shot now...[not that he wasn't one of our best presidents, of course]).

Mostly, after All Hallows Eve is over, everyone starts pulling out there Christmas decore, and completely skip over decorating for Thankgiving, though they still celebrate it with a huge chunk of meat and some other homeade sides for the whole family, and then some. WHen I was growing up, I would recognize this, and could not understand why my own family did not decorate with, say, a turkey in the yard, and some corn stalks and some fruit in a basket, or SOMETHING. I kind of felt bad for Thanksgiving: the dejected holiday that everone used for an excuse to get fat, and not celebrate.

This year, those thoughts began to arise in me, but with my recent studies in school, I've taken a double take on my scant opinion. Firstly, Thanksgiving has been placed rigth in the middle of hunting season, so the turkey in the yard is out of the question. Second, and probably most influential to me, that whole original feast was contradictory, deceptive, and just a big guiss to give gifts of thanks to the Indian, like blankets containing Small Pox, for example. This, in turn, was obviously a big problem, and we killed about 3/4 of the Indian population, then forced the rest to move to reservations, some being hundreds of miles away from there original land. Number three, in order to still maintain their culture, they STILL have to remain in those little areas. Maybe it's just me, but I thought segregation was over in the late 60s...?

Needless to say, I've come to the conclution that Thanksgiving is bullshit. Sure, maybe the concept of being thankful for what you have is nice and all that, but this whole historical story behind it is completely...inaccurate and condescending to what Thanksgiving supposedly stands for. Therefore, I am no longer going to include Thanksgiving in my own personally celebrated holidays, that is, when I have my own place and all that. What am I going to do then, you ask? When all are spending time with family, laughing over egnoge and eating devilled eggs and honey ham?

Well, I haven't really thought about that yet, but I think I'm going to create another holiday...

TADAAAAAA

PS- Expect a new layout very soon

Boy oh Boy oh Boy.

Well, I just got my wisdom teeth out a few days ago- oh no, I've no wisdom left! Hah, not like I had any before then. I retned some fucking crappy asds movies too, on top of it all. I can't really type or read well with this medicantion, so I bet this post is going to be quite humorous. Ahhhh, yea, so I'm on penaciline and vicadon right now, and I've been having some strange dreams. Not necesarily the perdicaments within them, but it's more along the lines of I can't tell the difference between dreaming and reality. It's quite odd. I know when I'm dreaming, but some of the things I'm doing in the dream I'm actually doing while I'm lying on the couhc. For examplke- this mourning I was having a dream and it had something to do with someone wanting to drive a car when they didn't have a liscece, and I suggested the person (Verny) with the liscence drive, and I gave the person the thumbs up with a smirk and squinted eyes. Guess what I woke up doing? Holding a thumbs up with a smurk and squinted eyes. I won't go into further details, because then it would become tedious, but that's been happenning for a few days now

I've also been hearing talking while I'm all alone in the house. I definanntly think I'm hylucinating on that one, or that it's actually me talking without knowing it (because I'm also talking in my sleep, which also wakes me up) I actually heard someone moan really loud in my ear the other day, then I openned my eyes and looked around really quick, and no one was there. I guess it was myself, but I don't see why, because I was in no pain (thank you drugs).

What sucks the most is that the movies I was so excited about renting turned out to be shit. What sucks even worse if that I can't even eat the Butterfinger BB's I bought with the movies. I've been stuck to a strictly fluid diet. Pineapple juice, apple juice, tomatoe juice, you name it. The tomatoe juice is disgusting, so I don't drink that :-) TOmatoe soup is alright, but I'd prefer chiucken noodle. I've been having chicken noocdle for the past few days.

Boy, I have some greeat friends. Sarah called me the other day, and she said she and Katie are going to come visit me today after school. I wish she hadn't have told me though, cause I like suprises. I've been wanting to talk to Verny and Lori, but I lknow they are both very busy. I wish they could come visit me too. My friends up here are also spending the night tomorrow night, and we're going to watch: Pulp Fiction....I can'tg rememebr oh and Silence of the Lambs AT LEAST those two. Some others that I want to watch are Lost Boys, I Am Sam, Back to School, The Other Sister, Chaplin, and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Well, I'm going to go eat my difuckingscusting soup now

bbbbbbbyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee

WOW.

I just read through some of the April and March posts...that was an INSANE RIDE. I can't believed that stuff actually happened to me. I'd always imagined as a pre-teen that if I was ever disrespected by a guy, and what not, that I would break up with him, and not be as stupid as all the other girls I'd heard stories about. Hah, boy, was I in for it. I guess I jinxed myself or something. My word of advise is stick to your conviction, but, as I learned, in the spur of the moment that just doesn't seem like the right answer. Believe me, it is. I hope that was the worst relationship I'll ever be in.

Hah, those posts kind of make me stronger, too. I mean, yes, it makes me tremendously sad to read them, and it aches my heart, but sometimes I get wishy-washy, and think about re-establishing contact. Reliving the situation helps me stick to my guns, and to the promise to myself. If I were to ever communicate with him again, it would entirely be my fault when I got hurt, and that would be the hardest thing to ever deal with. I hope he's changed for the better though, but I do not have much faith in the character of human beings any more...

While we're on the subject, it has come to my acute senses that I now despise my once friend, Lauren. Actually, it's almost as if the very ground she walks on stems with a repulsive acidic-like aura. I'm not sure who it is to blame for the feeling that has arisen in my towards her, but my guess is her own, considering she's never talked to me about anything. Well, that's pseudo-contradictory: she did tell me a bit back that she was starting to hate him; they're still together, though. I'm not really sure how they manage to "stay" together, though, considering they never are, physically together. What I mean is, I've never seen or heard of them hanging out, save for a few sparce moments. What a pointless, peice of shit relationship (oops, it slipped). No, this is not jealously (TRUST ME), this is just despisal of people being so week as to not even consider others...blah, I'm fragmenting.

No, just her. And to think, she was INSIDE MY HOUSE this weekend. For some reason, my rage towards her keeps growing; now it feels larger than my rage towards him. I want to punch HER in the face. She's become such a dark person now, and I sincerely think it's his fault. How sad, I use to love that girl...then she turned into this stelth, shadowy, insincere, inconsiderate monster. What a shame...but I don't know that the case is much different from myself...no, I would definantly say she's in the worse position.

For once, though, I'd like to really sit down and talk with her, sort of interview her, about what the hell she was thinking, and if she EVER gave a damn about my feelings, and how he treats her now, and is she's really happy with her life. Last time we talked, a few months ago, the answer to the last question was no. I don't see it becoming any different from then.

Oh well, I'm going now. Bye. Bye.

THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MEAN SO MUCH...

I don't really care, it's just a neat thought...

It's about time to change my lay-out, but I'm not really sure where I want to go with it...I just feel it's time for a change. Little things happenning are sort of pushing my out the door and into the brisk wind of adulthood: my senior year being halfway over, my wisdom teeth being pulled out next week, my 18th birthday rolling around the corner, and a strange but familier realization that there's something beyond "this." I've been in this hell hole for much to long. I need out.

I think I just feel a since of accomplishment by reinventing myself in different ways. No, this is not to say change my style, psh, THAT is not likely. Just the little things, like changing the lay-out to this blog, or reading that book, or changing the screename that I've had since middle school.

Not to change the subject too drastically, but right now, I can honestly say I loathe guys to the core of myself, every one of them. Well, maybe not my Dad or Grandpa, but fuck the rest of them. They're so cold, so brutish, so deceptive and demonic (key terms in many-a-letters to Logan). God, I hate them! I want to rip my hair out I hate them so much!

Which is why I've decided to start the FemmoNazi alliance. Who's with me?

MY MUM IS A BITCH











...no, this is not teenage rebelion. No kidding, everyone says so. EVERYONE.

JUST NOD YOUR HEAD AND SMILE

Warning: Cliche' Blog ahead, read at your own risk. (you may feel a slight pain or throbbing in your head; that is the effect of this being painfully placid)

So, I had a good Halloween this year :), well, Halloween weekend, that is. Alright, I'm going to turn untra girlie for a millisecond, I swear....:::puts on valley girl voice::: Like, OMG peeps, I hung out at my friends house, for the first time in a long time, and it was so totally fun, and there was this hot guy there, and I thought he was sooo hot! Did I mention that this guy was really hot? Anywho, so, turns out, this guy like totally digged me too! Oh sooo cool, like OMG, he was tall, lean, chizzzzzled, dark hair, bright eyes....woo! And like, for the first time in like, forEVER I danced with someone- Him! Yea, and he was all like "Hey, I really hope I get to know you better"!!!one!

***Immediately turns back into a human being*** Boy, was that the most disgusting post I've ever posted...anyhow...yeah, the guy was kind of...well, a little more than kind of annoying, but hey, he was really attractive. However, I know all too well how that story goes; I've been on that boat a few times, and would rather not venture back. Honestly, though, one of my girl friends told me that every time I wasn't around he would keep talking about how perfect I was- I was cool, I was funny, I was cute- the works. Do I believe it? Hmmm, well, once again, I've been on that boat, so I'm kind of skeptical at the moment. Also, I was one of the few women there that were single, and the guy, I hear, was sort of already dating someone (someone who was not there, and whom everyone was talking about, commenting about how meretricious and "loose" she was/is). Guys, huh? Yeah, tell me about it.

Besides the fact the he was kind of FUCKING ANNOYING *caugh* it was a fun night, and it was fun to be flirting again, which is an activity I haven't partaken in in months. Also, I did not get drunk at all this weekend, and I wasn't even frustrated about it- I didn't even care, because I was having such a good time. I suppose I have been getting a little pissy about it the last few weeks because all of the other places I've been have been just crumby places where I don't want to be.

Even the night before was great, and I didn't even have anything to drink or go to any parties or anything. My friend and I, after visiting another sick friend and hanging low for awhile, ended up coming back to my place, drinking Mountain Dew out of wine glasses and eating Hot Pockets, listenning to music, playing the Ouija board, and talking until 4 in the morning. The Ouja board was especially entertaining that night, for one it was actually working, secondly, it was near Halloween, and much of everything it spelled out was correct, but it worked better for my friend. Jolly good. Jolly.

But y'know, I just keep thinking about that guy, and I'm not sure why. Yes, I'm passively interested, but he's with someone, and that's definantly not my style. Plus, I've come to not trust good looking guys, I mean, thinking about Yin and Yang, how everything evens out with an opposite, if he's good looking on the outside, can there honestly be anything within? I would just mess around, and have it merely be a physical thing, but he's quite a bit older than me, and I'd say he's had a lot more sexual experience than I, which equals me being forced to do something I don't want to, or more extreme than I want. So, first a friendship, and maybe some light stuff, and we'll see where it goes. But so far, personality wise...

...I think he's stupid. : D