Sorry for the absence invisible ladies and gents...but things like moving, school work, work study, and other concerns have kept me from my usually dull updates. I only wish I could take the time out to realize that this is just as important, as well. Right now, I would like to reflect on the things that haven't happened to me, or have been of my concern this year, that have been miraculous and beneficial...or something of that nature.

1. I get picked for a role in class with the adorable guy I wanted a scene with
2. My OFA Scholarship Coordinator decides to write my an extra $1000 on a whim.
3. I ask Kim about what the safety time limit on getting with Him would be, knowing that it will never happen, and somehow he and his girlfriend break up not two weeks later.
4. He tells me something I've always wanted to hear.
5. My teacher, who is also a casting director, recommends me to a filmmaker, who in turn writes a part specifically for me in his to-be feature-legths film.
6. I get a job, requiring me to sit on my ass for $7.25 per hour.
7. I get accepted for the tri-level townhouse my roomates and I had been lusting after.
8. Veronica, my best of friends, is coming to visit me for spring break.
9. I find an awsome deal on a round-trip plane ticket to my hometown.
10. I am much more relaxed about speaking openly with guys and suggesting casual dates.


Lately I've found that I've been having black outs. My brother expressed that he has had this same problem, just recently, to me. At first I was a little sceptical, then recalled that there were 5, 6, 7 incidents that were traumatic for me, which I could not remember, after my friends asked me "What were you and Aaron argueing about in the living room?" I replied with "What are you talking about?" I found that, a few nights ago, I had requested to speak with Aaron in private, which eventually became very heated (so my friends tell me) and he stormed out the door. I opened it, shouted "You mother fucker!" and apparently slammed the door hard enough to make our townhouse shake. I remember conversations before that, and conversations afterwards, but I have no recollection of this! I feel that perhaps I should talk to him about it, but then, what would I have to say--I have no clue what it was about. It must have been pretty intense, though, because a number of my friends asked him about it, and he refused to tell them what went down. I hope things are alright between us...he actually IMed me online the day afterwards, strangely, and I guess he probably thinks I remember. I hope he isn't pissed at me. :(

AHEM

You're going to have to stop if you're really in this for the both of us, and want me to sacrifice the last thing I hold precious. If it's a usual, round-about with anyone ordeal for you, that's going to depersonalize it for me, which is not cool, and make me feel cheap, not to mention afraid for my own well-being. If I wanted to be with a whore, I could have gotten it over with a long damn time ago. I'm more than willing to remain a prude than to be another check-mark on your list, so get what you can done this month, because after that you'd better start practicing your celibacy.

/rant

I feel resolved. How? Well, being that I just realized it 10 seconds ago, of course I can explain it. No, but I think I kind of have an inkling as to why I am. Shall I go on? Actually, there's no real lengthy reason, I just feel that being here, in this apartment complex, with the friends I've had over the years living here as well is...ideal, and right. I don't feel any pressure in trying to appear pleasant socially, because I already have these friends, and I could care less to make more, seeing as how I'm moving this summer, and practically have no intentions on returning here. In this resolvement, I've been feeling a certain degree of solace in the fact that one day I'll eventually die, and if that day were today then I'd be fine with it. Usually, my philosophy of death was something along the lines of 'if it comes it comes,' but I didn't want to die, because I still wanted to experience some different things. I guess it doesn't help that I'm not looking forward to going in the courtroom, either. :P No matter...I think I'm happy to be here, for now.

I know I've already said this a million times, but it really is funny how life works out. Aaron is available again, and back in my life, and alas; I'm moving out of the country. That's swell. At least I realize that it's a hardly a reapproachable thing, and though it can be attempted to some degree, and I'm for sure a willing party, I doubt he'd want to make that sort of investment into things. He seems to have stolen all of my thoughts from me lately, and instead plastered his face all over my irises. Veronica says I have a crush. I told her "I don't know," and I don't. I'll never stop feeling for Him, and I know for certain how I feel about him--I feel how I've always felt. Alright, that's lame, so I'll say I feel how I've felt for years about him, but it's not something in which I have all sorts of expectations from his side; I don't. I know he's probably beyond me in that degree, and I know I wasn't enough for him way back when and I've learned from that, and now that I've finally grown to understand this it's..useless. Oh well, I don't mind. I'm going to do some writing about him...but not on here. Somewhere else...somewhere EXCLUSIVELY for me...so that I can read it and always have the memory of...

...well, if I told you I'd be giving that away. :P But I'll tell you one thing: I can't stop thinking about it, and how I can't wait to give in.

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

An Passionate, eh? Who'd a thunk it...but of course, you MUST have already known this...

Moving on, moving on... I don't really like posting on this thing more than once every few days, however, sometimes I get in the mood to...ramble. Something really amazing happened to me lately, and here I go sounding like everyone else in this network.

I just can't see how this dream....no, it's still a dream, but how it could come true. Was it from hoping against all hopes, or from pure dedication to the thought, or some sort of connetic energy? Is it pre-destiny? I think I'm fooling myself. Not to mention him again, but Logan (damn, too late) really ruined my perception of what people say and how literal I'm to take it. I guess my mother didn't help much in that either, but I can't help but take what people say, that is negative, literal, and second/third/fourth/etc guess everything they say that's posotive. For example, whenever a guy calls me beautiful...I wonder what he means. Is it sincere? Is it infinite, or just at that moment in time? Is it merely something he uses, the word, as a device to make me comply, or to make me feel comfortable? I am sad to have to over-analyze this particular word so much, but I suppose since I don't feel that I'm beautiful, and I cannot change my own perception, I kind of feel like I'm being lied to. It's my own fault, surely, and I feel bad for the guys, because I kind of close up on that, and they've no clue why, but that's it, and it's not something I can change at the moment.

However...

I can stand it from one person. He called me funny looking once, though. :P Am I funny looking? I can certainly contort my face into such, but I don't think I am. Am I ugly? I'd like to not think so, and I don't think I am, either, but that's just me. I think I can take it from this person because...I trust him. I trust him like no other. I think that's it, but also the fact that I feel the same way about him, and for that to be a complete, full-on mutual feeling gives me...a certain amount of...I don't know. Contempt? But something more than contempt, more glorious in the realization that that flame is still going...I just can't find the word. Maybe I will one of these days.

I just don't know how to feel. I mean, I've most assuredly grown in the past few years, and become more...displaced from my own revellings in past failed relationships. I'm just going to feel whatever I want, and to hell with restraining those feelings, because I think that's what makes living, emotion, and it is the root of life and experience and I'd be proud to submit myself to such. Unbridle the human mind! But when I say I don't know...when I think about it, that is, this feeling that I feel, I think it's beautiful and I want to weep and now I'm laughing because that sounded like something from this hilarious scene in Bedazzled. Well, the thing is...I think I'll write more specifics later.

What the hell am I talking about?

Who's hot now

I think I should like to posts some old poems I've written on here, but I do not have ready access to them at the moment. Thus, I must continue this silly tangent of canundrums...or however you spell it.


Pre-Junk Phunk

This dress, it'll confess
The truths in this silly jest.

Recreated happiness
That seems amess
Amiss in the second thought
Of what Charles Darwin's teachings taught;
Wrought it out, with blue-collered fire
To help sire this monstrousity
That has pleagued our country
For the past century or so.

What the hell, ill ryhmes flow,
We're pushin' time, pushin' dough
To convince our wives we care
About how thickly this smog has insnared
Our thoughts with hummingbirds,
Flying upside down, weighing over 50 pounds,
Yes, I said super-size me, bitch
Before I have to start messin'
Rip your dress and, among other things,
Try to give this bird back it's wings.

Oops, I was a little quicker
Than I thought I'd be.