CONVO OF THE DAY

Me: Hey Grandma, I made it into that acting program at SMSU

GMa: Well congradulations! I'm gowna hafta bi yew somethin!

Me: Actually, you could deduct some money from what I already owe you.

GMa: Yew owe me money? How much?

Me: $60

GMa: Well, boy, I didn't know you owed me s'much.

Me: That's what you said the last time I told you. And the time before that. In fact, I'll bet you
$10 you'll forget this time.

GMa: Oh no I won't.

(pause)

Me: And you can't write it down either, because I want that 10 bucks.

GMa: What $10?

Me: ....

A WEEKEND WITHOUT WORRIES

Everyone is gone for a while
The people that have to love you, that is,
And here I am at ease

I love this living alone
I can be productive and recreational
Without having to bother about consiquence
Brought on by those who have to love you

The cool breeze of the winter/spring air
Hits my face as I take the trash out
I turn around to a sky of infinite colors
The moon is so big and yellow
I feel like I've never seen it before;
Overlooked it; took it for granted
Like so many other things

My mind goes in tangents
As I wander around this town blindly
Looking for something but expecting nothing
But it makes me feel all right
The slight tinge of tobacco
Soothes me, of all things
And I fall into a hazy sleep
With those who hate to love me

IT'S FUNNY WHAT A COOKIE WILL DO TO YOU

So, I had a party last night...and it was successful, to say the least. Not to big, not to small, good people, no spills or breakings of any sort, and overall had a really great, infectuous atmosphere. It all ended before one, which is rather curious, but preferable I s'pose, considering I couldn't go forever. Afterall, I'd have to go to work at 11 the following morning.

I didn't go to work.

Hehe, I called in sick, because I had a small case of "Blank Heaves", that is, having to puke, but nothing to puke up. Odd, but I was minorly successfull here and there. Quite uncomfortable as well, but that was the farthest extint of a hang-over I've had since the only other one I had; which was a living hell for...a few days. Hah.

EDIT*

Oh well, I got served, so to speak. You know, I've been kind of depressed for a while; I guess it's the whole winter thing, but I find it remarkable that I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think it probably has something to do with getting horomone/arousel levels up. I imagine it's probably unhealthy to go for too long without feeling desire(able). Hmmm...if I were a scientist I'd definantly explore that. Maybe the general public would start feeding there children different vitamins...

CONSPIRACIES OF TYRANNY

You know, I use to think people who thought there was a conspiracy against them were just melodramatic, paranoid, and a little self-absorbed.

That is, until there became a conspiracy against me.

I'm not really sure why people chose to follow others into hatred. As far as I know, there are 6 or 7 people who "hate" me, half of which I don't even know, I mean, really. As far as I know, I haven't done anything directed negatively towards these people- I haven't gone out of my way to be annoying or clingy or ignore them completely (hehe, I rhymed). I tell you I could not be more honest when I say these people don't even know me. Maybe they don't understand me (even though they mostly know nothing about me, honestly), and maybe that scares them, so you can only feel comfort in hatred.

I see it all as fake. I mean, I know it all had to have started with Lauren, but...what's the point? What is the point of wasting your energy and thoughts on hating someone that you don't even know? What's the point in feeling such feelings that are so insincere. Moreover, one of these people pretends to be alright with me, indeed even interjects conversation. In this, I feel that a few are being insincere about hating me, they just say that to....fit in...or comfort...I have no clue, I just find it totally obscure, pasturized, and rather immature. What can I expect though, it is high school.

I've thought about giving them all a reason to hate me- being an asshole, deliberately acting stupid or rude, but I haven't acted on these thoughts. I also do not feel that is at all necessary, because then I'd be the hypocrite wasting my energy on them. Rather, I'd like to ask a few why it is they hate me- what have I done, or what antics just generally unnerve them.

Now, this does not mean I will do so for everyone. No, though I would like to better understand where the hatred derived from in Lauren, I would rather she approach me, considering I could give a shit to ever talk to her worthless ebing again. I mean, she did the initial offence, so that's all the message I need. But there are a few that really are ignorant, egotistical, hypacritical bastards, which I do not like. I, unlike them however, let my feelings be known, in a civil way, mind you.

I'm not really sure about what to do about it all, truthfully, I just know something must be done. I don't see how I could be such an annoyance and not be obnoxious or envolved at all with any of these people. But something must be done, because it's wrong for people to act in such a manner, though it happens everyday, and I will not stand for it.

Time to kick some ass ***pops knuckles***

SITTIN' AROUND WITH A POCKET FULL OF NONEY

So, here are my financial stabuility rates for today: As of this very moment, I have in my possession some $1525. I have five days until I have to make my huge payment, so as you can imagine I am counting my bills daily and scavenging every penny I find. After mum pays my this coming Monday ($355 she/Wendy owe me), I will have $1880. When I get paid on Thursday, I think that will add about $120 ($2000). Now then, the problem is getting my $500 back from Columbia. I sent another e-mail last night, cantacting them for the third time in 3 weeks about retrieving my money, and they finally replied to me, and said they're doing everything they can to get it here sometime next week. That being said, I'm not going to hold my breath that it will get here in time. Should it happen to arrive on time, I'll still need to borrow $70 from my grandma. If not, well, add about $500 to that.

Sorry, but writing about that helps me to better understand and keep up with that area.

OK, well, that's that for now; I really have to go do my homework, and I'm really thirsty

Ciao.

I'M A MACHINE OF ANTI-CAFFIENE

I just have one thing to say...

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Well, maybe a little more...

I hate. A lot. It sucks.

Alright moving on... so these last few days I've been stressed out of my mind. So much is going on, and I'm so busy, everything is so chaotic...I can't really even think straight, not even to type a decent sentence. I feel desperate, fake, and...misunderstood. Eh.

The thing that is most agonizing for me, at the moment, is that Columbia College hasn't sent me my $500 room deposit back- and I have to make a $2570 payment in one week. Right now I have something like $1900, and people owe me something like $50, so I'm holding my breath for dear life, literally. It's going to really suck if I can't make this payment on time, because the late fee is $75. Five-hundred dollars is an effing large amount of money, and could mean the difference of making this payment realistic or insane. Damn it, if only I'd waited a week, then I would have never sent it...

My life, as of this moment, fucking sucks.

Well, let me try to be optimistic....as hard as it may be for me now-a-days. Uhhh...It Columbia mays me back, I'll only need to borrow some hunder or so dollars, and that's relatively easy considering my grandma's already volunteered such. So far I have to pay people back a total of $540, which is only to Vern and Stevo. Gosh, I'm so glad to have them in my life....this would have never been possible without their contributions. I myself probably wouldn't have been brave enough to lend someone $200 or so dollars, but this is one of 3 or 4 times Stevo's done so, and I'm so glad they both trust me in such a way. I wish I could be as humane as they.

Well, next week is going to be hell for sure. I get paid on the very day I have to send off my money order, so I have to drop by work right quick at about noon and get my cash, then go to the bank and get everything transfered to a money order, then get to my humble abode in time for the mail to pick it up. God I hope it all gets there in time. I have two money orders made out to me that I have to get converted between now and then, and on Tuesday I have to take my grandmother in the bank with me so they'll cash the check she made out to me.

On top of all that, I have to memorize 2 monologues and audition that very Saturday, and I'll be travelling all Friday to get to the campus. I'm really thinking about betting money on when my head is going to explode. I can't wait until after next weeks over. I'll still have a lot going on, but I won't be so pressured by money, and I won't have to worry so much about school work, becasue I won't have to work so much. Then I can focus on the play more, and prep for my most challanging audition: Webster.

And what do you know- I think my family is going out of town that whole weekend. I'll get Justin to drive me up...and oh yea...

PPPAAAAAAARRRRTTTAAAYYYY!!!

TIRED, ANXIOUS, AND TRANQUALIZED

I find myself feeling this way frequently now-a-days. It does help that I have college auditions, a $2500 payment, a play, senior essay, and numerous scholarships and applications due at about the same time; within a month. The stress is building, kind of like Janga (I love that game), and I think everything is about to fall apart any second. On top of that, lets add home stresses of moving grandma in, hosting a yardsale, chores, school, rehearsal, tutoring, two jobs, and the messiest room ever, and you've got complete chaos. Not to mention a screaming nagging sizzlyling irate mother.

I did find out some really awsome news though, yet I feel I mustn't tell anyone least I jinx it. And this, my friends, could be THE biggest jinx of my life; so much so that I don't think I'm going to tell you at the moment; maybe in a later post. Hell, I'm not even telling Verny. It has to do with college and affordabuility. MOVING right along...

I feel curiously anxious to converse with Logan. I think It's because we haven't spoken in so long, I still have many questions that I've since forgotten about because, well, I wished never to speak to him again. Could I possibly be putting on my own noose? I can think of no better word but curious to describe this antagonizing want of words that I have. In fact, I find myself signing onto MSN more just in case he's on (but, mind you, I will not ever IM him first). I'd rather speak in person though. Would it were that I had more money, I would make some interesting concoctions, but that's another story...

And now I'm still anxious, and it's eating me up. I think this is what I'll do for the moment being:

Type up a list of dates and things I need to do on them
Type up a list of things I want
Try to organize my room a bit

I hope to put a survey on here soon. Cheers

a skeleton at the intersection

Am I falling back into the black hole again?
Have I slipped yet again
On that bit of the strip
That seems to buckle at it's seams,
And beg for another penny?

I'm feeling the darkness creep up again.
Could it possibly be
That I'm trying to see
Something invisibly visible
Yet so far out of reach?

What am I saying
To the gravy, lumpy and mushy,
That sucks itself to the fork
That I stare to intently at...?

I don't even like gravy.

Gray things; they remind me of the city
So pretty, and so bizarre in it's own,
So full of emptiness; so alone.

I'm a parellelagram
In this big city of bones.