LITTLE DREAMS FORGOTTEN IN YOUR POCKET SEEMS

I use to know how to control what I was dreaming. I don't know how I did it, but every night I'd tell myself that if anything unbelieveable or out of the norm was happenning, it was probably a dream. That also included things that you wish for that will probably never come true, such as hoping for the little boy in the front row to pass you a note telling you how long he's liked you. When I became able to do this, at first I would blurt out "oh, this is a dream!" and immediatly everything would decipate and I'd wake up. Apparently, in Dreamland, it's a big no-no to let it out that you do indeed know that you aren't in reality. That stage was somewhat frustrating, but soon enough, after I controlled that pridefull urge of letting it known that I was smarter than my subconscience, I could morph basically any situation within a dream into what I wanted it to be.

This may be why I've only had two nightmares within the last 7 or 8 years, though I've long forgotten how to control my dreams. Every now and then I'll realize I'm dreaming, but I think that happens to everyone. Their only problem is they don't know how to change things around, whereas when I realize I'm dreaming, it's pretty much second nature to do so. Maybe people think too hard on it, when really all you have to do is close your eyes and will it to happen. Believe me, it's that simple, and it works.

Just an hour ago I was napping, and had a half sleep dream. Those are the easiest ones to figure out and get control of, but sometimes the awake side of you doesn't want to change anything, for fear of it really happenning. Sometimes within the dream the actual things around you come into it, and make you think that's whats actually happenning around you when you have the daydream. Don't trust that. Unless you sit up with your eyes wide open and talk to someone, you're still in the dream.

However, I've just had quite a baffling eye-openning experience. It wasn't something that's going to make me re-think any current standing point I'm at, or second guess myself, but it was definantly a slight disturbance. I don't recall the original daydream I had, but I think it was something like the obstical courses kids go on at the carnivals, though I was just as old as I am now. Well, I realized it was a dream, and then...God, it's sooo...bad! I willed Him to be there! Out of all people, HIM! What the Hell...

I recall in my dream though, that I really wanted him to be there. I knew that in real life I'd never want that to be so, and I considered sending Him back for someone else, but I decided not to! No, being fully awake right now I have peace and solace in knowing that that is long over and done with, but was it really ME who wanted Him to be in my dream, or was it just my dream self (if there is such a thing)?

Could it possibly be that it was my subconscience, the one who overall wants what really makes me happy, still wants Him? Is my conscience ruling Him out because of the way things are in society, because of convenience, and so that I won't be hurt again? Was it something that I've repressed so successfully that I don't even remember the feeling, and now find it shocking that I felt it in that dream?

You know, one of my good friends once told me, "once you love a person, they'll always have a place in your heart, no matter how big or small, no matter what they do, right or wrong." I suppose that little peice of my heart just washed up on shore for a little while, and hopefully that will be the last time it does so. Want to know something else?

She was so right.

ON THE TOP OF MOUNT OLYMPUS STANDS THE RIZ

Wow. Accomplishment is a great feeling. Too bad not everyone gets to feel it. I'm mean real, full-blown accomplishment.

I just wrote an excessively long letter to one of my best friends (my apologies for that), whom of which I haven't written in nearly three months. Three. Whole. Months. That's one fourth of a year. I can't believe I've made it this long without her neverending support, love, and motivation.

Within the letter was somewhat of a breakdown of what has gone on for me the past few months, including that one fateful night. Also within the letter was a list of what I've realized to be what's most important to me, and what I want to be. Though I'd written these things down before, it felt as though I was once again re-establishing what the most vital elements are in my life. I guess writing it down again, and to someone else, blew off the dust of a book bought just recently, and the owner is getting ready to read it. I also realized that, when looking back at the things I wanted to become, I'd indeed achieved those goal, and the things that were most important to me I'm closely involved with now.

Lately I've began focusing on my academics more and, to tell you the truth, is hasn't been as painful as I thought it'd be. I've been getting good grades, actually DOING homework, and getting it done, most of the time, in school. Along side of that, I've been reviewing a variety of undergraduate catalogues from the colleges of my choice. I've also been searching vigorously for scholarships, most of which are due by the end or April, so I'm hoping I can pull my isht together rather quickly. It's not that I've been living my life for other people, or that this is what's been important to me all along. It's just that, apparently, people change, and I suppose I'm becoming, in a way, more mature and responsible for the direction my life goes.

End quote.

You have a twisted soul! Twisted Souls are never
bad, and actually, are a rarity amongst souls.
These souls are a little combination of
everything, with always a little of their own
chaos to add. Twisted Souls are kind, loving,
weird, zany, temperamental, and very talented.
They have their own firm opinion, and can at
one time be very outspoken and passionate, and
the other time shy and feeling insignificant.
Twisted Souls have good senses of Humor and
other times can be a bore. You can act quite
intelligent at one time, and grasp concepts
easily, while other times they can find it
difficult to understand. Twisted Souls are
always very fun and Kind, and can be party
animals. But, if you love someone, youre
serious about it, intense, and forever loyal.
Congratulations-the world should have more like
you.



What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
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A MINOR'S CONTRIBUTION TO A NOT-SO BUSY TRAFFIC JAM

If you haven't noticed, I've been doing a little remodeling. At first I browsed for nearly an hour on www.BlogSkins.com, and finally found a background that suited me. After playing around with it for an hour, a inevitably decided to go back to my basic lay-out. It's somewhat humorous to think about me playing with the HTML for around 3 hours, only for it to result in hardly any change. However, I felt that the background, though it was merely a seaside view with a lighthouse, was just too distracting from what the blog was all about. It also prohibited the over all affect the entries given when read, and made them, well...just words on a site. They were confided into a little box, and even when I made the font bigger they still yet looked plain. A little HTML knowledge is coming back to me, but I'm still baffled as to how to put pictures on here. To bad I can't find the hard disk drive on my computer...

WHAT'S IN A RELIGION?

Baptists are, frankly, too simplistic for my likings, and my personal nickname for their type of Protestant is "The Easy Way Out." No, I'm not incinuating in any way that they are bad people, merely that they are simple minded and Christian pussies, pardon my language. I, myself, went to a few Baptist churches over the last few years, but have never truly been one myself. This is not to say that I delibrately refused become one, only that I could never bring myself to believe that things were that easy. Maybe it's just me, but what fun is a game if every level has been beaten? What good is a book if you've already watched the movie? Where's the challange in this? One simple "Oh God, forgive me of my sins and come into my heart" and all the sudden one has a VIP pass to Heaven. So, I'm guessing I'll see Bin Laden there?

Ney, I say, don't be a part of this pety excuse of a religious affiliation. I'm not saying drop the idea of Christianity, merely to open your eyes wider if you're a Baptist. What is a Christain that claims repentance, but continues his same bad habits? I have a few exs that could probably answer that riddle...

For myself, personally, I'm mainly an independent Christian at the moment, namely because I was raised that way. As a child and youth, I attended Presbatyrian churches, but never really learned anything, and felt that everyone intends for things to work out for the best. Therefore, their negative approach to man being naturally cruel made me writh away from the religion. My veiws on philosophical and religious terms are quite eccentric to those of many others. To put things bluntly, I believe in everything. Because we ourselves don't have any direct connection with the afterlife, anything is possible. Right now, whatever you imagine it to be is true. If you're wrong, chances are you'll never know, and if you're right, congratulations. I feel that, because everyone is different, whatever one believes will be true for them when the time comes. However, it's a bit more detailed and complicated than that. I believe there is a Heavan, but I don't plan on going there, or Hell for that matter. Actually, I plan on going wherever I want. I suppose I'll just float around until I decide to reincarnate or something, because I may get bored of knowing everything.

Previously, I had thought it possible that Christianity was indeed the only "right" religion, but that it was OK to not be so, because everyone would reincarnate until they were finally Christian. Depending apon the way they lived their life, they would either go to one of the 2 (or 3) places. However, I am not disclosing this idea because, as I've already stated, I believe in every religion, no matter how complex.

In life, I mainly favor the daoist and taoist approach. I can't go into detail right now, but if you have a chance to look them up, they derived from ancient China. They both mainly enstate to live in peace and not to interfere with the life of other creatures. This doesn't mean that you absolutely cannot raise cattle or ride horses, it just means to, for example, not control populations or hunt merely for prize and the likes. Harmony.

That's what it's all about.

TO THE LOGANUS PRIME AND IT'S MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I wanna get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm gonna miss

I wonder how it's gonna to be
When you don't know me
How's it gonna be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be

Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the doorway we spent time in
the swings empty
I don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me

I wonder how's it gonna be
When it goes down
How's it gonna be
When you're not around
How's it gonna be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it gonna be

How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it gonna be?

Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion... oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

How's it going to be

THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END
PART V

It's such an awkward feeling to realize that the only thing you still have with someone is memories. Slowly but surely, the sound of whispering hopes die down in your head, and there's of course something inside of you that dies. It's the hardest thing to accept, but after awhile the numbness subsides to a quiet serenity, for the fact that that something will always be alive within your memories.

I felt in my heart that that chapter in my life was completely at an end, but logically I was unsure that I would be strong enough to hold to that. I still hung out with my friends, but with seeing less of Him, and I guess I began to become more indepentent, as I had been when I moved out here, with the acception of still having tangible friends. Over the holidays, I had a great New Years, and a great couple weekends of patrying afterwards, but I could feel myself pulling away more and more from the group of friends that I'd been with so long, and reaching out for something more, but I wasn't sure what. I still hung out with them, but I knew, at some point, even that would even cease to be so.

It's not that they weren't amusing or interesting people, or that they were changing, it was more along the lines of myself changing. I was tired of the same old thing: I'd go hang out with my friends, they'd talk about random people and there flaws. and, most all of the time, they'd smoke. I didn't care that they did it, but I was beginning to wonder why I hung around that stuff, because usually I'd be the only one there who didn't do it.

One particular night, after waiting for 3 hours for someone to pick me up, I went to the usual place, hung out with the usual people, but didn't think the usual thoughts. Among the usual people, He was there, and when I came in He was calling someone about "20 inches of snow," which obviously ment they were planning to get cocaine. I'd never been around that, because I'd never had the desire to do so. It tore me up to watch him snort two lines, and I ebgan to think how sad it was that someone had to resort to killing brain cells to be happy, if only for a few short hours, and $20 later. Beforehand I knew that I was over with him, but he was still an option if we ever got close again. Now I knew that If I had ever had any question before, I knew now that I'd never fo back to him again.

As if it wasn't overwhelming enough to see him do this, one of my friends (known widely as an asshole), had the enginioug idea to put the coke in with the joint. By now I was completely disgusted, but unsure if everyone would do it. I went outside with them, they lit it up, and everyone but me took it. My heart sank- I was so dissapointed in my friends, but moreso in myself, that I tolerated it and let them do it. No, I didn't think that it would kill them, believe me, I'm not that naive. I turned from them then, looked up at the stars, and wondered "What if my dad was here right now? Would he be proud to call me his daughter? Would he approve of the people I was with?" I thought then of the look he'd given me that one faithful night. My heart sank; I already knew the answer.

My heart sank to watch two of my very close friends "bravely" hit the joint. Namely Logan, who hesitated, almost passed it, looked at it a bit longer, looked into the others eyes, and finally took the hit and recieved approving glances. Blinded by unshed tears, I went inside the house and sat, watching the demo for Sonic run off of the Sega Genesis. I knew this was the last time I'd see this room. I was never coming back here. Everyone had let me down, even myself.

It's funny how things work out. Having a stable position within a group doesn't simply ensure happiness, only standing still. I'd stood still long enough, and it was time for me to have a scene change. It's hard leaving the only thing you've known behind, but some cases call for that. Sometimes the only direction left is the right one. I don't think or hope I'm taking the right one, I KNOW I am.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END
PART IV

I never gave thought to just how long this part of the beginning or the end of the beginning of the end really was. *sigh* However, I must comtinue on with this vital part that has brought me to turn down another path.

When he told me of these things, my heart was shattered, but he had left reason to believe that his could be changed, and that he was unsure of what the future held. A little while after he got back from the long journey, he told me about what a heart-wrenchingly painful time he'd had. Sure, he'd had his sweet drugs to ease the pain, as usual, but nonetheless, his heart had also been shattered. He told me about how he'd broken down on the way back, and how he moped around his house for a week because of it, causing him to lose his brand new job. He didn't tell me he'd told her he loved her, but he saved THAT one for later.

So, the both of us having two aching souls that needed swift repair, combined and mended the wounds, together. Again, we started unofficially seeing each other, but with more clarity towards one another, and more passion. Though it lasted a mere two weeks, I think I really did love him within that short time spance. In fact, to my recollection, those were the happiest two weeks of my life. Little did I know that it was all just a dream...

I knew he was holding back something, and I knew that, for me, it was either going to be a win/lose situation. Even as he lay sleeping on my lap, I could feel him slowly drifting away from me, his forrowed brow deep in thought, his eyes blindly moving while in R.E.M. A few days later, though it killed me to have to come straight with myself, I called him to come over to my house so that we could talk. THIS was when He told me he said that 3 worded phrase to her. This was when he told me he'd never wanted to hurt me, and faultered a bit on his powerful, stabbing words. This was when he told me he was still confused, but never thought about anyone but me over the last few weeks.

This was when I told Him goodbye.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END
PART III

Mid-July: I'd just gotten back from a one week stay at a state college, for means of there performing arts program for high school juniors, seniors, and incoming college freshman. I had fun, and I enjoyed being away from everyone and everything familiar, but I was anxious to get back so I could spend time with You Guess Who. It wasn't until a week later, almost 3 weeks of not seeing each other, that we hung out. We drove around, went to a park and played freezbie, and explored his mom's pond while marveling at all the fish and frogs. The next day we attempted fishing, but something was bothering him, so we went back to his dads place. This was our last time together as a couple.

That night, it seemed he was preoccupied with something, as if he were battling mental demons. One moment we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, the next he's in the chair with his arms crossed, and jaw set. I was concerned, but didn't know how to approach it, considering I hadn't a clue what was on his mind. So I said "want to play a quick game of quid pro quo," and he said "alright...what do you like about...US?" I proceeded to tell him, and I asked him the same question. Besides a sly joke, he never replied.

A week later, it was our four month mark. WOW. I'd rented the movie Taxi, since he'd always told me I should watch it since I'd never seen it, and I put on a dress (which, for me, is a rarity, and would suprise the hell out of him) and some make-up. Because I hadn't talked to him in a week, I decided to call him and ask him over, not noticing that he had called earlier. He answered the phone in somewhat of a hushed voice, as if something was straining him. He then proceeded to explain to me that he had fallen out of a two story window a few days before at a wild party, and was now laying in bed with ice on his back. I told him he should have called me, and he said "yeah, I should HAVE..." "Do you think you could make it over here today, or does it hurt to much?" I asked him. "Actually," he said to me, without hesitation, "I don't think we should go out anymore." At first I hadn't even noticed he'd said it, because even the thought of cutting it off had never accured to me. Then it hit me like a 15 car pile-up. I attempted to find oxygen, and managed to spit out an "OK" before choking down the unimaginable shock, fear, everything. He'd ended it.

He told me I was too good for him, and that I deserved something better, and should be able to do better, and that everything would work out fine, and we'd still be friends and hang out. When I finally found words, they were nearly inaudible, yet stable and in tact. The conversation made a quick end, and I went in my room and sat, still trying to sober up from the words he'd just said to me. Later that evenning, I sat in my dress and proceeded to watch Taxi...alone.

He and I didn't talk for weeks. I'd called him once, but he hadn't been there, and he'd called me back, but I hadn't been there. I still did not cry, however, because, in the words of Peter Pan "I never cry."

Now I'll start to go into more detail with parties, which I'd been going to all this time at a rate of about 2 or 3 times a month. Well, I hadn't for about 2 months, so when I started again, of course, He was there. It was awkward being together in the same room, because I still thought the world of him, yet he tried to not pay attention to me, and I knew it. However, at one particular party that he and I were at, I "celebrated" a little too harshly, but was none the wiser when I woke up on my friends couch (the one who'd hosted the party). The girls that were still there told me that they'd seen he and I making out, then we went outside. I called him a few days later, and he told me that it was all true, and that he was sorry, but he "celebrated" just as much as I did. I later came to find out that his car had gotten stuck in a ditch while he was trying to pull out from the girls house...with me in it. A tow truck came, and I was put back inside and fell to sleep. As to his true intensions? Well, one can only guess.

So, as you can imagine, I became quite confused at this point. A weight of guilt was crushing down on me, what with the incident at the party, seeing him more, talking to him more. It all seemed so surreal, yet so traggic. I loved going to someones house just to look at him if only for a second, yet at the same time it killed me to imagine what could have been, what should have been, which evintually led to me moping around my house, at times sulking into my bed, and filling up test papers with his name and a crude drawing of his face. I even got some pictures developed that were taken months ago, only to find Him welcoming me as I pulled them out of the packet.

At the parties/hang outs, we became closer and closer, yet those were the only moments a spent with him. It seemed any other moment wasn't worth living, and it was a sad realization that that moment would end. Sometimes I saw him and my face was alight with joy, other times I had to gaze away, least he see the tears filling up my vision. I had to do something, I had to talk to him, I had decided that it was either all or nothing...well, something along those lines. After one Saturday night that our lips met again, I called him on a breezy, autumn-weathered Sunday afternoon. I told him we had to talk, and he said he'd pick me up after school Monday. And, suprisingly, he did.

I told him how it'd been eating me up inside, and that he needed to tell me what he thought, and that I wanted immidiate closure. Some parts of the conversation i had to write down, least I break in a sentence, and just burst into tears. Either he felt for me, or he didn't, it was as simple as that.

What he was about to tell me was a bit unexpected, but accepted. Who'd have known a girl he'd graduated with, and that I'd known, was his ex that he'd wronged so many times, and that deserved another chance. Who'd have thought that she'd gone off to school in Chicago, and he was planning to go see her in a week? Who'd have known they hadn't gone out in over a year, and that she was already seeing someone else?

Certainly not me.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END
PART II

He was a little under two years older than me, and God was he beautiful. When I moved up here, I was some what awed by the improvement of genes moving from one place to another. No one was quite as beautiful as He was, though, and he used to say the same thing about me. He had the most perfect facial structure, luscious lips, with evenly accented features. Hell, his eyebrows were even perfect. Needless to say, I never thought I'd nab something with such timeless beauty, so any thoughts of a relationship were out of my mind, and we started off being friends.

We'd been hanging out for a few weeks, and I was still clueless to his true feelings for me. He'd come sit with me and talk to me behind stage, he'd invite me to his house, he'd even invite me to some parties when his college buddies were back in town. Kind of nuts that I didn't catch on, ey? The longest *official* relationship I'd had before him had been two years early, and even then it was trivial, and lasted only a month. I'd seen a guy my freshman year, but we never got to the point of being an item, so it's hard to say how prepared I was for Him.

One night, I got to stay out until morning, and we finally made it official. Over the next few weeks we were enthralled with each other. There was nothing that existed but Him. I felt for him something I'd never felt before, and I really wanted it to work, so I took is really slow (if I'd gone any slower I would've been going backwards). We spent every weekend together, and he was so sweet. If I fell asleep on his couch, I'd wake up in the morning with a cover over me and him at the floor beside me. We were so amazed by each other, I mean, just the sight of each other. We'd spend hours just running our fingers over each others faces and looking at each lovely aspect of the other. I remember one time waking up just watching the pulse in his neck for an hour as he lie dreaming. He tried to kiss me, but I didn't kiss him until our 3rd week of being together, and he was patient with me. I really wanted to make this one last, I really wanted to make Him happy.

He tought me so much, like how to enjoy the simplicities of just sitting around with your beau, or just riding around with him/her until the sun came up. He also opened me up to a wide world of new and interesting things, such as all kinds of different underground/indie artists, independent films with a wide variety of genres and philisophical veiws, and all kinds of neat places to go with friends, from hidden paradises to the urban streets of St. Louis.

Things went smoothly through Spring, and school was out by our two month mark. However, when summer began, we started seeing less of each other. He'd go for a week without calling me, or I was out of town for a week, or he wasn't there, and so forth. Still, I had faith that it was just the usual summer chaos, and that we'd make it through, despite any obsticle that got in our way.

I was wrong.